Sister Berthe: The Fun Nun
by lemacd
Summary: She's not all about kissing the floor! She's got a bottle of wine and she's not afraid to share it... please read and review even if it is to tell me that this is the dumbest thing you've ever read.


_A/N: I was given a one hour challenge to write something funny about nuns. Who wouldn't jump on something like that? Sane people, that's who. Anyway, this happened. I share the blame w/ charleybec who insisted I post it. Happy Monday, everyone._

_Disclaimer: I don't own The Sound of Music or these characters. _

**Sister Berthe: The Fun Nun**

Sister Margaretta hurried out of her small room and walked briskly down the dark corridor hoping she would not be late for morning prayers for the second morning in a row.

"Oof!" she cried as she rounded a corner and ran smack into a solid figure and went flying to the floor. It was not the first time she bemoaned the fact that the black habits were a hazard in the poorly lit halls of the Abbey. She accepted the strong hand offered to help her stand up again and was horrified to see that it was the Mistress of Novices before her. "Sister Berthe! I beg your pardon, I was in a hurry and didn't see you. Please forgive-"

"Yes, yes, forgiven," Sister Berthe said waving away the Mistress of Postulants' apology. There wasn't any time to waste if she wanted to discuss the matter before they were both expected by the Reverend Mother's side for prayers. "I want to talk to you about something. It's about Maria."

"Maria? What's she done?"

"Oh, nothing at all," Sr. Berthe shook her head. "I just thought, well... she'll be getting married in a few days."

"Yes, isn't it wonderful? I think it's just wonderful."

"Of course, yes, yes. But what isn't wonderful is that poor girl has absolutely no one to get her ready to enter the covenant of marriage. No mother or grandmother or aunt... no one. Except!"

"Sisters! She does have sisters, doesn't she? Oh, you can have such lovely thoughts, Sr. Berthe-"

"Please, Sr. Margaretta! There's no need to get all sentimental, we hardly have enough time as it is. Please try to follow my meaning. We are her only family, in a way, and as such it is our responsibility that she is adequately prepared for her new life. She'll need... things... to help her embark on this new adventure. Do you know what I mean?"

"I think so," Sr. Margretta nodded, her brow slightly furrowed. "You mean, she needs advice? I don't know if we'll be good for that sort of thing." Sr Berthe rolled her eyes.

"We may be cloistered nuns, Sister, but we hardly live in a sack," Sr. Berthe said sarcastically. "We don't have to be bakers to know how to bake a cake."

"Right, she'll need a cookbook," Sr. Margaretta noted. "What else?" Sr. Berthe stared at her in disbelief. Shaking her head she sighed and started again.

"Well, I think we should have a little party for her before the wedding, give her some gifts and advice. Send her off with some confidence, you know." Sr. Berthe was relieved to see her fellow nun nod and smile enthusiastically and with some smidgen of comprehension. "So, do you think we could do it? Throw a little party before the wedding, the two of us?"

"Oh, I think it would be a wonderful idea," Sr. Margaretta smiled. "When?"

"It will have to be tonight. We'll invite a couple of the others and sneak into Maria's room before she goes to bed. The Reverend Mother will never know."

"You mean, you won't invite her?"

"Are you daft?! She would never approve. No, this is our secret and our party. I'm sorry, but the Abbess would totally kill the mood." Sr. Berthe put a gentle hand on Margaretta's arm and nodded to say she knew what she was talking about. "Trust me. You should invite the others... Srs. Catharine, Agathe. And Sr. Sophia. I think that would be enough for a party. I'll take care of the rest."

"I'll get on it right after breakfast," Sr. Margaretta whispered. "How exciting! Maria will be so surprised. I never knew you had such a soft spot for her. I thought you didn't like her."

"I never disliked her," Sr. Berthe defended. "I just knew she wasn't cut out to be a nun. That doesn't mean I want to send her out into the harsh world without a single clue what to expect." The nuns hurried to prayers without another word uttered on the matter. After breakfast they went their separate ways after a meaningful look was shared.

Later that evening after vespers were over and the Abbey was quiet, Sr Berthe led the handful of other nuns to Maria's room, a basket on one arm and a wrapped package under the other. She managed to maintain a serious mood while the others snickered at the prospect of a bit of frivolity. She set her bundles down on the bed and waved at the floor and furniture, indicating that they were to find a place to be comfortable as they had no idea how long it would be until Maria returned to her own room.

"I'm still not sure what advice I can give Maria," Sr. Sophia whispered, her cheeks flushing as she looked at the others. "My parents were determined that I should be a nun all my life. I was told nothing about... well, about marriage."

"They must have told you something!" Sr. Berthe shook her head. "I mean, just because we're nuns, we still are women. That doesn't stop just because..."

"Well, no," Sr. Margaretta agreed, though she was quite sympathetic to Sophia's predicament. "But we have no experience. I'm not even sure I have the words to say it if I did!" The others nodded in agreement. Sr. Berthe sighed and reached for the basket.

"Perhaps we need this now instead of later," she said, pulling out a bottle of wine and a few glasses. She yanked the cork out with her teeth and began to pour. The other nuns were stunned into silence. "What? I didn't steal it if that is what you're thinking. I just happened to have it for, um, medicinal reasons. Rheumatism. You know..." The others nodded and took the offered libation. She herself emptied her glass in one swig and quickly refilled it. Srs Agathe and Sophia looked at each other and giggled.

"What's in the package?" Sr. Margaretta sipped her wine slowly, licking her lips with each taste.

"It's a present for Maria. It's a nightgown... for her wedding night. Something a little less, um, convent issue, if you know what I mean."

"Sister Berthe! It never is! How on earth did you come to get such a thing!"

"It's second hand, though never used for it's intended purpose, I'll have you know." Sr. Berthe took another drink from her glass before letting her eyes look up at the others. They stared in amazement and waited for further explanation. "Oh, very well. Unlike our dear Sr. Sophia here, I was not bred to be a nun. Quite the contrary. My parents ran the post office in our village and Mother would size up every young man that walked through the door for her six daughters looking for a suitable husband for each. It worked for the first three well enough. However, I managed to run off every fellow she threw at me. I wasn't always as sweet as I am now." Sr. Catherine nearly spit out her sip of wine.

"You must have come close to have... that," Sr. Sophia gestured at the package as if it had teeth and would bite her.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I came very close," Sr. Sophia nodded wistfully. "His name was Fritz. He owned a butcher shop. His face wasn't much to look at but his arms were... well, they were quite nice. All that beef." She scoffed at the giggles. "He was a butcher! He had to haul huge sides of beef for a living. Really, ladies."

"And you were going to marry him?"

"That was the plan. My mother was beside herself with joy."

"So what happened?" asked Sr. Margaretta, her eyes shining with curiosity and half a glass of wine.

"My younger sister happened, that's what. Fritz came to dinner, found Irmgard more to his liking. And that was that. My fiance became her fiance and my wedding became her wedding. But I was going to be da- uh, I mean- I was going to be hanged before my trousseau was going to be hers, too. I hid this in my room and packed it with my things before leaving for the convent."

"That's the saddest thing I've ever heard," Sr. Agathe started to cry as she held out her glass for more wine. Sr. Berthe looked at her carefully and shook her head. She forgot wine made some people so weepy.

"Yes, well, it's a good thing I kept it because now we have something to give to our dear Maria."

"Will it fit her?"

"I'll have you know that I had quite the figure when I was younger," Sr Berthe snapped ruefully. "And these clothes hardly flatter a body." She smoothed her hand down the side of her habit before taking another drink.

"I agree," Sr. Agathe nodded, not wanting to be denied more wine for being contrary. The nuns sat staring at their glasses and at each other in silence. Finally Catherine asked a question that drew gasps from the others, though they were all dying to ask it themselves.

"So did Fritz ever kiss you? What was it like?"

"What an impertinent question!" Sr. Sophia exclaimed, though she tilted her head as if she fully planned to answer. "If you must know, yes. He kissed me more than once, as a matter of fact. It was nice and I thought I could enjoy being married to him. But alas, it was not the path God had for me. I don't regret anything."

"But you could have had your own home, your own family! You could have had children. I think motherhood is a sacred calling, just like being a nun." Sr. Agathe started weeping again. "I'm sorry. I am thankful that I'm a nun, really. But sometimes I think about it, you know. That's not a sin, is it?"

"Really, Sister, you must stop your blubbering," Sr. Berthe grumbled, pulling a napkin out of the basket and thrusting into the crying nun's hand. "I don't think it is a sin to wonder. But being discontent is a sin so it's just as well that you don't wonder. Instead, let us live vicariously through Maria. We'll celebrate her wedding and watch her go down the aisle with joy instead of jealousy. Do you think you can handle that, Sr. Agathe? Or should be all wear our hip waders while you cry a river right there in the church!"

"I'm sorry," Agathe sniffed. "I don't know what is wrong with me."

Just then, they heard the handle on the door start to turn. They became stone silent as they all turned their faces toward the door waiting for Maria to enter. Unsurprising to any of them, the young former postulant tiptoed in while humming a lilting tune. She stopped when she saw the others scattered around her room.

"Hello," she said with trepidation. "I... I had special permission to be out late. It's Louisa's birthday and we had a little party for her, so-"

"No need to explain," Sr. Margaretta said, standing and moving to Maria's side. She took the girl's hand and led her to be with the rest of them and gestured for her to sit on the bed next to Sr. Berthe. "We aren't here for that. We're here because, well, we wanted to have a little party for you. To send you off to your marriage like real sisters would."

"Really?" Maria asked, her eyes wide in disbelief. "I don't know what to say!" She reached for the Mistress of Postulants to embrace her but Sr. Margaretta pulled away and shook her head with a smile.

"It was Sr. Berthe's idea!" Maria turned quickly, her mouth opened in shock.

"It was? Th-thank you, Sr. Berthe. How unexpected."

"I only wanted to make sure you were prepared, Maria. And we shall do our best. Please sit and have some wine and we'll get started." Sr. Berthe patted the bed next to her with a grin and handed her a glass. "We might not be able to answer all your questions, but we'll do our best."

"Oh," Maria said, her gaze dropping to her lap. "Thank you, Sister, but that won't be necessary. You see..."

"Tosh," Sr. Berthe dismissed Maria's words and continued. "You will not be the Captain's first wife, if you'll forgive me for bringing that fact up, and I'm sure you are quite nervous about living up to his experience and expectations."

"Well, naturally the thought has crossed my mind, but you see-"

"See? Let us help you."

"You?" Maria looked at the bottle and wondered how much of the wine had been consumed by the Mistress of Novices alone. "But I'm not worried anymore because-"

"Of course you're worried. Poor little Maria, with no one to tell her about these things."

"But I-"

"I remember when you came to us, so young and naive. A poor little orphan, all alone in the world..." Sr. Sophia stopped when she heard Agathe start to wail again. "Anyway, we are your family, even if only for a couple days longer. You must let us do this for you, Maria. We owe it to you."

"Sr. Berthe, please! You don't have to say anything! I've already been told everything I need to know! Well, as much as I can know before... well, before I'm a married woman, that is."

"My dear girl, whatever are you talking about? Have you and the Captain... oh, dear me. You haven't compromised your virtue, have you? You aren't marrying him because you're... you're... oh, you're not, are you?" Sr. Berthe tossed back the dregs of wine in her glass and reached for the bottle again.

"Is she what?" Sr. Margaretta asked, her face drawn and perplexed.

"No! I'm NOT!" Maria exclaimed. "Sr. Berthe! I only meant that someone has already had that talk with me and I'm quite informed, thank you very much!"

Sr. Berthe looked at Maria carefully, narrowing her eyes as if trying to decide if she was telling the truth about her purity status.

"Who talked to you?"

"Why, the Reverend Mother, of course."

"The Reverend Mother!" they all gasped.

"Yes," Maria insisted. "It was most enlightening and most appreciated." Maria blushed as she wondered if she should divulge any other information. "In fact, she gave me a present for my wedding night. It's a lovely lavender peignoir." Sr. Berthe's face dropped. "What? Is something wrong?"

"Oh, no," Sr. Berthe said with a forced smile. "I have something for you, too. But perhaps you don't need it." She lifted the package neatly wrapped in brown paper and tied with a string. Maria took it and gave the nun a bright look of appreciation. She opened it quickly and inhaled sharply at what she found nestled in the paper.

Maria gingerly lifted the garment into the air. The other nuns remained silent as they all stared at it. It was a scandalously short, scandalously black negligee, and nearly completely see-through except for a few strategically placed embroidered clusters of roses. It looked to Maria as if it would tear like tissue paper if her beloved was to as much as look too hard at her wearing it.

"Sister, this is... this is just... I don't know what to say. Thank you."

"Oh, it's nothing," Sr. Berthe said proudly as Sr. Catherine started to scoff.

"I'll say... 'nothing' is about all there is to it. Where's the rest of it?" she said reaching out a hand and feeling the lacy trim across the hem that would barely come down over Maria's bottom.

"What do you mean, 'the rest of it'? Don't you like it, Maria? I'm sure the Reverend Mother's gift was nice, too, but this should give you all the confidence you need on your special night."

"Confidence? That thing will give her a cold if it's too drafty. Really, Sr. Berthe! What will the Captain think of her when he sees her in that?!"

Sr. Berthe opened her mouth to say something in her defense, but suddenly felt embarrassed. She reached for the negligee and quickly wrapped it in the paper and shoved to the side.

"I apologize, Maria," she said bashfully. "I didn't realize how inappropriate it was. Please forgive me. I only meant to help." Maria reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Sister, it is a thoughtful gift and I do thank you. I was just surprised, that's all. You have to admit, one doesn't expect such things from a nun. But I think this might be the answer to a lot of my prayers."

"Oh?" Sr. Berthe asked hopefully.

"When I tell the Captain this nightie is church sanctioned, it will be a lot easier to get him to come to mass with me in the future."


End file.
